Alexandra Petri
Alexandra Petri
Blogs & columns for @WashingtonPost. No pun is beneath me. NOTHING IS WRONG AND HERE IS WHY is out now! http://bit.ly/2Kkv3obSource
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Opinion | I tried the Elizabeth Holmes schedule, and here is how it went

Opinion | I tried the Elizabeth Holmes schedule, and here is how it went

Among the documents to emerge from the trial of Theranos founder and noted turtleneck aficionado Elizabeth Holmes is a handwritten, Whatever you think about Holmes — — she was very successful for a brief time, at least at going up to people such as Henry Kissinger and getting them to hand her large sums of money. I thought this would be a useful skill to acquire, and maybe her schedule would help. So Friday morning I set out to replicate what Holmes apparently thought was a productive start to the day.I scramble to turn off my alarm. I have two goals this morning: replicate Elizabeth...

Dec 3
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Opinion | If journalists reported official accounts of other stories as they do police statements

Opinion | If journalists reported official accounts of other stories as they do police statements

Given how inaccurate initial police accounts of officer-involved incidents , it might perhaps be a good time to rethink the practice of running police blotter stories as though they are statements of fact. But then again, it might not be. Maybe we should do it for more things. It would have been a lot easier to just handle other horrific stories this way instead. Such as:Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle”Everyone who works in the meatpacking industry here in Chicago just loves it! No one has ever been hurt working in this safe, lovely, family-style industry, where everyone from children to...

Apr 23
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Opinion | McConnell turned corporations into people — and then they grew up

Opinion | McConnell turned corporations into people — and then they grew up

Mitch McConnell looked at his handiwork and smiled.It had been a corporation, but now it was finally a person. He couldn’t wait to meet it. He knew that it loved to give him money (it was this that had suggested to him that it might be worthy of personhood in the first place), but he was sure it would develop all kinds of fascinating interests of its own.Maybe it would enjoy obstructing Senate business, as he did. Or he might be able to teach it to play catch, or to laugh very idiosyncratically in a laugh comprised of a series of low heh’s all strung together. There were so many joys...

Apr 14
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What are we going to do about Creepy Uncle Joe Biden?

What are we going to do about Creepy Uncle Joe Biden?

ADWhen Joe arrives, everyone he knows (Jill, Barack, Michelle, Sasha and Malia, John (Kerry), John (McCain) and several women he recognizes only from having told them, once, in passing “No dates ’til you’re 30!”) is already sitting in his office in a semicircle of folding chairs. He blinks once or twice, startled.“Where’s the yogurt bar?” he asks. “TCBY, with all the fixins. The e-mail said. Sprinkles!”“Joe,” President Obama says, as gently as he can, “there is no yogurt bar.”Joe sits down on a folding chair. His is, oddly enough, facing all the other chairs. He turns it around to face the...

February 19, 2015
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Opinion | Been injured in an election? Call Rudy Giuliani now!

Opinion | Been injured in an election? Call Rudy Giuliani now!

ADHi! I’m Rudy Giuliani! Have you been injured in an election? Do you think you should be president, but due to an unexpected setback, you’ve wound up short by thousands of votes in key states? Hire me, and you will get the settlement you deserve! And I mean the settlement you deserve!I put the “personal injury” in “personal injury lawyer”! Most lawyers are chasing after the ambulance, and not the reverse, but I guarantee that if you have not already suffered a strange injury, I WILL inflict one on your case, through my precise level of knowledge of the law!Do you have a weird laptop of...

November 18, 2020
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