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Chinese Government Lays Off Entire Propaganda Team As American Media Doing Their Job For Them

Chinese Government Lays Off Entire Propaganda Team As American Media Doing Their Job For Them

The Chinese government has laid off its entire propaganda arm, cutting thousands of jobs at China Central Television and other state-run media outlets as the American media is already doing their job for them. "It seemed kinda redundant for us to have a state-run media when we have the American press," said President Xi at a press conference Monday. "The American media is carrying water for us. It's pretty incredible. We unleashed a virus on the world and lied about it for months, and the American press can't stop praising us. As long as they make their orange leader look bad, they'll...

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Aug 7
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China Impressed By Michigan Governor's Totalitarian Policies

China Impressed By Michigan Governor's Totalitarian Policies

>>China Impressed By Michigan Governor's Totalitarian PoliciesChina Impressed By Michigan Governor's Totalitarian PoliciesBEIJING—In a candid speech Tuesday, President Xi Jinping stated he was "pretty impressed" by Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer's handling of the coronavirus outbreak, specifically praising her totalitarian policies.China's dictator said he was actually a little jealous he hadn't thought of some of her ideas himself."She has some pretty great ideas -- stopping people from gathering together even with their families, ordering people not to buy seeds -- they can't even...

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TheBabylonBee
April 17, 2020
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Democrats Erupt In Protests After Planned Parenthood Begins Offering Puppy Abortions

Democrats Erupt In Protests After Planned Parenthood Begins Offering Puppy Abortions

>>Democrats Erupt In Protests After Planned Parenthood Begins Offering Puppy...Democrats Erupt In Protests After Planned Parenthood Begins Offering Puppy AbortionsU.S.—Democrats have finally turned on Planned Parenthood after the organization announced its new puppy abortion program.Many thought Democrats would defend anything and everything Planned Parenthood does, but it seems they've finally done something Democrats are willing to criticize: killing puppies in the womb.The abortions for dogs are performed under the organization's new "Planned Puppyhood" program. Planned Parenthood calls...

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TheBabylonBee
April 18, 2020
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CNN's Ratings Collapse As Coronavirus Fears Empty American Airports

CNN's Ratings Collapse As Coronavirus Fears Empty American Airports

>>CNN's Ratings Collapse As Coronavirus Fears Empty American AirportsCNN's Ratings Collapse As Coronavirus Fears Empty American AirportsU.S.—CNN's ratings have somehow tanked even worse than they previously had as Americans began to quarantine themselves and stopped taking commercial flights, emptying American airports and robbing the cable channel of its captive audience.While CNN is usually able to claim millions of captive viewers every day, their audience dropped to almost nothing overnight. With airports completely devoid of weary travelers with dead smartphones and nothing to look at...

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TheBabylonBee
April 17, 2020
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Biden: 'Republicans May Have Standards, But We Have Double Standards'

Biden: 'Republicans May Have Standards, But We Have Double Standards'

>>Biden: 'Republicans May Have Standards, But We Have Double Standards'Biden: 'Republicans May Have Standards, But We Have Double Standards'PHILADELPHIA, PA—During a campaign speech Tuesday, Joe Biden proudly declared that while Republicans have at least some standards, Democrats are going above and beyond with their "double standards."Biden pointed out that by having two sets of standards, Democrats are leading the race for having the most sets of standards."That's two times as many standards," he said proudly. "Double is a lot more than single. Anyone who's ever watched a baseball game...

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TheBabylonBee
April 17, 2020
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Dems Rush To Defend Kavanaugh After He Puts On Joe Biden Mask

Dems Rush To Defend Kavanaugh After He Puts On Joe Biden Mask

>>Dems Rush To Defend Kavanaugh After He Puts On Joe Biden MaskDems Rush To Defend Kavanaugh After He Puts On Joe Biden MaskWASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are scrambling to defend Brett Kavanaugh against his accusers after he put on a Joe Biden mask Friday morning. "We believe you are a great man of upstanding moral character, and we do not believe your accusers," said Alyssa Milano to Justice Kavanaugh hiding behind the Biden mask. "It's disgusting that people would try to capitalize on this political moment to drag your name through the mud, Mr. Biden.""It is a disgrace -- a disgrace I say!...

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TheBabylonBee
April 18, 2020
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Skydiving Accident Ruled Death By Coronavirus

Skydiving Accident Ruled Death By Coronavirus

>>Skydiving Accident Ruled Death By CoronavirusSkydiving Accident Ruled Death By CoronavirusLAKE ELSINORE, CA—Local man Brett Garfield was tragically killed in a skydiving accident yesterday. His death was quickly ruled death by coronavirus by medical experts. Garfield wasn't tested for coronavirus, but he exhibited many of the symptoms, such as suffering and dying, so he was immediately added to the rapidly growing coronavirus death statistics."Brett's 42-year-long life was tragically cut short yesterday, presumably by coronavirus, as he plummetted into the ground at a high rate of speed,"...

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TheBabylonBee
April 17, 2020
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New York To Raise Taxes On Coronavirus Causing It To Flee State

New York To Raise Taxes On Coronavirus Causing It To Flee State

>>New York To Raise Taxes On Coronavirus Causing It To Flee StateNew York To Raise Taxes On Coronavirus Causing It To Flee StateALBANY, NY—New York state has announced a new plan to raise taxes on the novel coronavirus. The 15% income tax on all COVID-19 viruses, coupled with an 8% luxury disease tax, is expected to generate significant revenue and stop the virus in its tracks.The plan is designed to cause the virus to flee the state to a lower-tax, more virus-friendly area."We thought about all the different ways to solve problems that we know of, and we just returned to the tried-and-true...

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TheBabylonBee
April 18, 2020
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Vicious Tyrant Trump Wants To Let People Leave Their Homes

Vicious Tyrant Trump Wants To Let People Leave Their Homes

>>Vicious Tyrant Trump Wants To Let People Leave Their HomesVicious Tyrant Trump Wants To Let People Leave Their HomesWASHINGTON, D.C.—By all accounts, President Donald Trump has now gone completely mad with power. In a press briefing, he laid out his insidious plan.“When I’m done with this country, everyone will be able to leave their houses whenever they want and do whatever they want,” Trump told the press with an evil grin. “They’ll be able to peaceably assemble in whatever size groups they desire! Muhahaha!”“You’re a mad man!” a CNN reporter cried. “You don’t have the power to let...

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TheBabylonBee
April 21, 2020
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CNN On Biden Allegations: 'Some Presidential Candidate Did Something'

CNN On Biden Allegations: 'Some Presidential Candidate Did Something'

>>CNN On Biden Allegations: 'Some Presidential Candidate Did Something'CNN On Biden Allegations: 'Some Presidential Candidate Did Something'ATLANTA, GA—Many criticized CNN for breathlessly covering allegations against Justice Brett Kavanaugh throughout the then-SCOTUS candidate's confirmation process but remaining silent on accusations against presidential candidate Joe Biden.To address these concerns, CNN has finally posted an article on Tara Reade's allegations, the headline reading "Some presidential candidate did something.""Some presidential candidate did something," the article reads,...

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TheBabylonBee
April 17, 2020
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