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Democrats: 'Without Abortion, Women Might Have To Settle For Having 7 Kids And Sitting On The Highest Court In The Land'

Democrats: 'Without Abortion, Women Might Have To Settle For Having 7 Kids And Sitting On The Highest Court In The Land'

Democrats: 'Without Abortion, Women Might Have To Settle For Having 7 Kids And Sitting On The Highest Court In The Land'WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are lamenting after Trump revealed his nomination to take Justice Ginsburg's seat on the Supreme Court: Amy Coney Barrett. Experts say that Amy Coney Barrett will set women's rights back approximately 6000 years since Judge Barrett is one of those weird Catholics who "actually believe all that stuff." The greatest fear, according to 95% of people with purple hair, is that she will take away everyone's sacred right to kill their own children in...

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Democrats: 'Without Abortion, Women Might Have To Settle For Having 7 Kids And Sitting On The Highest Court In The Land'

Democrats: 'Without Abortion, Women Might Have To Settle For Having 7 Kids And Sitting On The Highest Court In The Land'

Democrats: 'Without Abortion, Women Might Have To Settle For Having 7 Kids And Sitting On The Highest Court In The Land'WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats are lamenting after Trump revealed his nomination to take Justice Ginsburg's seat on the Supreme Court: Amy Coney Barrett. Experts say that Amy Coney Barrett will set women's rights back approximately 6000 years since Judge Barrett is one of those weird Catholics who "actually believe all that stuff." The greatest fear, according to 95% of people with purple hair, is that she will take away everyone's sacred right to kill their own children in...

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6h ago
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Amy Coney Barrett Holds Press Conference In Handmaid's Tale Costume Just To Mess With Liberals

Amy Coney Barrett Holds Press Conference In Handmaid's Tale Costume Just To Mess With Liberals

Amy Coney Barrett Holds Press Conference In Handmaid's Tale Costume Just To Mess With LiberalsWASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortlisted for Trump's Supreme Court appointment, Judge Amy Coney Barrett held a press conference today where she wore a Handmaid's Tale costume just to freak the Left out.Barrett walked out in the red cloak and white bonnet, causing most of the reporters gathered to pass out instantly."If selected to serve on the Supreme Court, I look forward to forcing women to have babies and ushering in a Catholic theocracy," she said, holding back laughter. "In fact, the first decision I want...

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Amy Coney Barrett Holds Press Conference In Handmaid's Tale Costume Just To Mess With Liberals

Amy Coney Barrett Holds Press Conference In Handmaid's Tale Costume Just To Mess With Liberals

Amy Coney Barrett Holds Press Conference In Handmaid's Tale Costume Just To Mess With LiberalsWASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortlisted for Trump's Supreme Court appointment, Judge Amy Coney Barrett held a press conference today where she wore a Handmaid's Tale costume just to freak the Left out.Barrett walked out in the red cloak and white bonnet, causing most of the reporters gathered to pass out instantly."If selected to serve on the Supreme Court, I look forward to forcing women to have babies and ushering in a Catholic theocracy," she said, holding back laughter. "In fact, the first decision I want...

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Chevrolet Releases California-Compliant Horse And Buggy

Chevrolet Releases California-Compliant Horse And Buggy

Chevrolet Releases California-Compliant Horse And BuggyDETROIT, MI—General Motors is making waves after a surprise unveiling of a line of exciting new California-compliant vehicles. After a week of building anticipation, officials at the company revealed its latest innovation for the West Coast: the 2021 Horse And Buggy.The curiosity started last week when GM's Twitter account dropped a cryptic photo of a lone carrot with the phrase "It's coming." Finally, at a live event this week, officials at the company pulled the cover off a stylish, elegant carriage pulled by a powerful single...

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Nation Surprised To Learn All Politicians Are Hypocrites

Nation Surprised To Learn All Politicians Are Hypocrites

Nation Surprised To Learn All Politicians Are HypocritesWASHINGTON, D.C.—Americans were shocked this week after their preferred political parties completely reversed their positions from what they were just a few years ago. Avid political loyalists are heartbroken at the realization that maybe all politicians are hypocrites who probably never mean a single word they say, ever. "I thought my favorite politicians were honest, principled people," said local voter Harlita Finnbop. "My senator has never lied to me, ever! I never imagined he would betray my trust by believing literally the...

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4d ago
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Little-Known Judge Tedina Cruzette Throws Hat In Ring For Trump's SCOTUS Consideration

Little-Known Judge Tedina Cruzette Throws Hat In Ring For Trump's SCOTUS Consideration

Little-Known Judge Tedina Cruzette Throws Hat In Ring For Trump's SCOTUS ConsiderationWASHINGTON, D.C.—Since Trump has vowed to nominate a woman to the Supreme Court, his shortlist of candidates had been reduced to just a few highly female judges. Signs were initially pointing to Amy Coney Barrett, but a new candidate has emerged from the shadows as a new front-runner for the coveted nomination: Tedina Cruzette."I had never heard of this Tedina before," said Trump. "But she is very, very female which is important, so important. She doesn't have much of a judicial track record, but she seems...

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4d ago
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Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. Constitution

Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. Constitution

Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. ConstitutionWASHINGTON, D.C.—Still reeling from Trump’s previous Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, Democrats plan to scrutinize any new nominee to ensure that he or she isn’t yet another crony of something called “The Constitution,” Senate Democrats announced Friday.“Time and time again, we find progressive laws getting struck down,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said in a Senate address. “And it’s always — always — the ones the Constitution is against. These right-wing judges don’t think for...

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Nation Surprised To Learn All Politicians Are Hypocrites

Nation Surprised To Learn All Politicians Are Hypocrites

Nation Surprised To Learn All Politicians Are HypocritesWASHINGTON, D.C.—Americans were shocked this week after their preferred political parties completely reversed their positions from what they were just a few years ago. Avid political loyalists are heartbroken at the realization that maybe all politicians are hypocrites who probably never mean a single word they say, ever. "I thought my favorite politicians were honest, principled people," said local voter Harlita Finnbop. "My senator has never lied to me, ever! I never imagined he would betray my trust by believing literally the...

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4d ago
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Little-Known Judge Tedina Cruzette Throws Hat In Ring For Trump's SCOTUS Consideration

Little-Known Judge Tedina Cruzette Throws Hat In Ring For Trump's SCOTUS Consideration

Little-Known Judge Tedina Cruzette Throws Hat In Ring For Trump's SCOTUS ConsiderationWASHINGTON, D.C.—Since Trump has vowed to nominate a woman to the Supreme Court, his shortlist of candidates had been reduced to just a few highly female judges. Signs were initially pointing to Amy Coney Barrett, but a new candidate has emerged from the shadows as a new front-runner for the coveted nomination: Tedina Cruzette."I had never heard of this Tedina before," said Trump. "But she is very, very female which is important, so important. She doesn't have much of a judicial track record, but she seems...

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4d ago
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Remaining Liberal Justices Given Pink Slips As Trump Reduces Court Size

Remaining Liberal Justices Given Pink Slips As Trump Reduces Court Size

Remaining Liberal Justices Given Pink Slips As Trump Reduces Court SizeWASHINGTON, D.C.—It was a doubly sad day for the Supreme Court. While they were still mourning the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, pink slips were handed out to Justices Stephen Breyer, Elena Kagan, and Sonia Sotomayor as they were told to pack up their things and leave.“I heard about court-packing,” Trump told the press. “I looked into it, and it ends up you can change the number of justices on the Supreme Court! Some people say it's bad, very bad. But I think it may be actually very good, really. We're trying to...

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4d ago
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NBA Players Wear Special Lace Collars To Honor Ruth Bader Ginsburg

NBA Players Wear Special Lace Collars To Honor Ruth Bader Ginsburg

NBA Players Wear Special Lace Collars To Honor Ruth Bader GinsburgLOS ANGELES, CA—NBA players are honoring the life of Ruth Bader Ginsburg this week by wearing pretty lace collars just like Notorious RBG used to wear. In a touching show of respect for the late Justice Ginsburg, and in solidarity with her progressive cause, Lebron James and the LA Lakers took to the court yesterday wearing a stunning variety of delicate white collars inspired by RBG's wardrobe.According to several commentators on ESPN, the virtual teleconference crowd fell silent in reverent awe as the players all knelt down...

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4d ago
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Wife Completely Fine With The Patriarchy As Long As It Mows The Lawn Every Weekend

Wife Completely Fine With The Patriarchy As Long As It Mows The Lawn Every Weekend

Wife Completely Fine With The Patriarchy As Long As It Mows The Lawn Every WeekendHALE, MI—Willow and Ryan Wyndin started married life completely committed to equally splitting every task and chore 50-50.  It was a beautiful thing to see as they kept timesheets and shared every responsibility 100% fairly. Willow went off to her job every day and came home to take turns doing things like mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, and sweeping the garage. But, eventually, Willow surrendered to the patriarchy as long as the patriarchy was willing to mow the lawn every weekend, saying, "I'm 100% OK with...

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5d ago
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Democrats Post Job Listing For Supreme Court Nominee Accusers

Democrats Post Job Listing For Supreme Court Nominee Accusers

Democrats Post Job Listing For Supreme Court Nominee AccusersWASHINGTON, D.C.—In anticipation of Trump's upcoming announcement of who he will nominate to the Supreme Court, the Democrats have posted a nationwide job listing for believable accusers to tarnish the reputation of whoever Trump nominates. The best candidates from all applicants will be invited to a casting call in D.C. to show off their "believable accusation" ability."We know that whoever Trump nominates will be an evil, mean, bad person," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "That's just the kind of man Trump is. He...

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Fisher-Price Releases 'My First Peaceful Protest' Playset With House You Can Actually Burn Down

Fisher-Price Releases 'My First Peaceful Protest' Playset With House You Can Actually Burn Down

Fisher-Price Releases 'My First Peaceful Protest' Playset With House You Can Actually Burn DownEAST AURORA, NY—The toy geniuses at Fisher-Price have announced a brand new toy made just for leftist parents and their kids: the My First Peaceful Protest playset. The kid-size clubhouse will come with several varieties of spray paint so kids can tag the tiny building with their own empowering slogans. It will also be made out of cardboard, allowing the cute little tikes to burn the whole thing down if their demands are not met. "Here at Fisher-Price, we are steadfastly committed to social...

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Ninth Circuit Court Overturns Death Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Ninth Circuit Court Overturns Death Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Ninth Circuit Court Overturns Death Of Ruth Bader GinsburgSAN FRANCISCO, CA—In a landmark ruling, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has overturned the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. In a close decision, the judges on the court have ruled RBG's death unconstitutional and will block Trump from nominating a replacement.Kim McLane Wardlaw, the judge who issued the ruling, said in a statement: "Justice Ginsburg's death was an affront to the constitution as well as our God-given right to abort as many babies as possible and sell their body parts for research. Death, at its...

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5d ago
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Trump Fires Off Giant Pink Glitter Cannon To Reveal Gender Of SCOTUS Nominee

Trump Fires Off Giant Pink Glitter Cannon To Reveal Gender Of SCOTUS Nominee

Trump Fires Off Giant Pink Glitter Cannon To Reveal Gender Of SCOTUS NomineeWASHINGTON, D.C.—It was a festive occasion, as gender reveals often are, and a crowd brimming with excitement gathered outside the White House to find out from President Trump what gender the nominee for Supreme Court Justice would be.“Oh I sure hope it’s a boy!” yelled one man.“No way! It has to be a girl!” yelled a nearby woman.However, some unhappy citizens gathered in the crowd only to protest how primitive and cis-heteronormative a gender reveal party for a Supreme Court Justice is.“This is so backwards,”...

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Democrats Post Job Listing For Supreme Court Nominee Accusers

Democrats Post Job Listing For Supreme Court Nominee Accusers

Democrats Post Job Listing For Supreme Court Nominee AccusersWASHINGTON, D.C.—In anticipation of Trump's upcoming announcement of who he will nominate to the Supreme Court, the Democrats have posted a nationwide job listing for believable accusers to tarnish the reputation of whoever Trump nominates. The best candidates from all applicants will be invited to a casting call in D.C. to show off their "believable accusation" ability."We know that whoever Trump nominates will be an evil, mean, bad person," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "That's just the kind of man Trump is. He...

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Struggling CNN Just Starts Stealing Headlines From The Babylon Bee

Struggling CNN Just Starts Stealing Headlines From The Babylon Bee

Struggling CNN Just Starts Stealing Headlines From The Babylon BeeATLANTA, GA—After months of continually trying and failing to produce better fake news than The Babylon Bee, CNN has assigned a team of people to monitor The Babylon Bee's website daily to determine how they should cover the news for that day. With Babylon Bee headlines coming true on CNN more frequently than ever before, CNN content is starting to look stale since readers are only seeing the news they saw on the Bee two weeks ago. To remedy this, CNN has decided to stay ahead of the news by simply copying Bee headlines and...

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Sep 18
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Just-Laid-Off Minneapolis Police Officer Looks On Helplessly As Rioters Burn Down City Council Members' Homes

Just-Laid-Off Minneapolis Police Officer Looks On Helplessly As Rioters Burn Down City Council Members' Homes

Just-Laid-Off Minneapolis Police Officer Looks On Helplessly As Rioters Burn Down City Council Members' HomesMINNEAPOLIS, MN—Lieutenant Chris Gastelum was laid off yesterday by the Minneapolis Police Department after the city council voted to defund the police. As he was walking home, he saw, by chance, some rioters throwing Molotov cocktails at the homes of several city council members. But, sadly, he was powerless to do anything, as he'd just turned in his gun and badge."Help, officer -- they're burning down my house!" screamed a city council member."Oh, shoot! Sorry! Would love to help...

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Sep 18
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Christian Just Voting For Whichever Political Party Less Likely To Make His Faith Illegal One Day

Christian Just Voting For Whichever Political Party Less Likely To Make His Faith Illegal One Day

Christian Just Voting For Whichever Political Party Less Likely To Make His Faith Illegal One DayCENTERVILLE, FL—Local Christian man Larry Michaels admitted Wednesday that he just votes for whichever political party is less likely to make his faith illegal one day.Michaels often votes for one party over the other but confessed he only does so because they're not outright antagonistic toward the core tenets of Christianity."I don't particularly love the party I usually vote for, but hey! They're a little less likely to one day outlaw my faith," he told a friend, also stating that while he...

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Sep 18
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Biden Attempts To Appeal To Hispanics By Performing Authentic Mexican Hat Dance While Firing Pistols Into The Air

Biden Attempts To Appeal To Hispanics By Performing Authentic Mexican Hat Dance While Firing Pistols Into The Air

Biden Attempts To Appeal To Hispanics By Performing Authentic Mexican Hat Dance While Firing Pistols Into The AirKISSIMMEE, FL—Biden made a campaign stop in Florida this week to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month and reach out to his favorite voters: the Hispanics. In an effort to appeal to the voters, he performed a cultural celebration of Hispanic heritage by dancing in a sombrero and fake mustache, eating a burrito, and firing a pistola in the air."Hey there, fellow Latinx!" Biden said. "Before I begin, I would like to show you my Mexican celebration dance which I will perform to the tune...

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Sep 18
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Trump Orders Schools To Replace Anti-American Curriculum With Daily Viewings Of 'Top Gun'

Trump Orders Schools To Replace Anti-American Curriculum With Daily Viewings Of 'Top Gun'

Trump Orders Schools To Replace Anti-American Curriculum With Daily Viewings Of 'Top Gun'WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what many are calling the most popular executive order of all time, President Trump has ordered public schools to stop teaching anti-American history classes, replacing them all with daily viewings of Top Gun, among other classic pro-America movies where the Russians and other foes get crushed by the greatest country in the world.The initiative calls for the replacement of the "inaccurate and dumb" 1619 Project with the new "much cooler" "1986 Project" where kids just watch Top...

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Sep 18
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Biden Campaign Holds Boat Parade But It's Just Biden Alone In A Paddleboat

Biden Campaign Holds Boat Parade But It's Just Biden Alone In A Paddleboat

Biden Campaign Holds Boat Parade But It's Just Biden Alone In A PaddleboatWILMINGTON, DE—The Biden campaign has grown concerned with all the Trump flotillas happening nearly every weekend, gathering hundreds of enthusiastic supporters. So, they're fighting back with their own boat parade, but it's just Biden alone in a paddleboat in the middle of a lake."Look at this great turnout today!" said Biden as he waved to a completely empty pond. "Great to see all the enthusiastic supporters here. Boy, I tell ya, I'm real excited to win this race and serve as your class president. Go Auks, class of...

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Sep 18
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CNN Criticizes Israel, Arab Leaders For Shaking Hands In The Middle Of A Pandemic

CNN Criticizes Israel, Arab Leaders For Shaking Hands In The Middle Of A Pandemic

CNN Criticizes Israel, Arab Leaders For Shaking Hands In The Middle Of A PandemicWASHINGTON, D.C.—CNN and other media outlets attacked President Trump and foreign leaders this week after footage emerged of Israeli and Arab leaders standing closer than six feet apart and embracing in a peace accord, clearly violating COVID social distancing protocol. Pictures and footage show Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the foreign ministers of UAE and Bahrain completely ignoring social distancing as they smile warmly and shake hands while signing historic peace accords between the three...

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Sep 16
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