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Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!'

Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!'

Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!'WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden doubled-down on his Catholic faith and his pro-abortion policies Sunday. “Let me be clear,” he said to reporters as he exited Trinity Catholic Church in Georgetown. “If you’re not okay with women aborting their babies, then you ain’t Catholic, Jack!”The comments drew swift criticism from a number of Catholic groups who pointed out that the church has historically taken a strong pro-life stance. But Biden says those views are stale and outdated.“Look, the main reason I’m...

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Biden Announces Rollback Of All Jobs Created By Trump

Biden Announces Rollback Of All Jobs Created By Trump

Biden Announces Rollback Of All Jobs Created By TrumpWASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise announcement at the start of the week, President Biden revealed that, for the good of the country, he will be eliminating all jobs created by Trump."Listen, folks-- it's time to wash away the mistakes of the past," said Biden to a clump of bran in his cereal bowl he mistook for his labor secretary. "Trump was a bad racist man, and everything he did was bad. It's time to roll back all the racist jobs he created and replace them with new, non-racist jobs-- like windmill painters, solar panel squeegee...

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11h ago
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Bernie Buys Fourth Home With Meme Earnings

Bernie Buys Fourth Home With Meme Earnings

Bernie Buys Fourth Home With Meme EarningsNORWICH, VT—The nation has fallen in love with the now-famous picture of Bernie Sanders sitting grumpily and wearing big mittens at Biden's inauguration. After being turned into a widely-shared meme, the Vermont Senator is enjoying a massive windfall of cash from his meme earnings. After giving some to charity, he will be buying a fourth house, according to sources. "I did not realize," Bernie said in an interview, "that being a famous meme was so very lucrative. After giving some of my earnings to charity, I will use the remaining 32 billion...

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11h ago
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Triple-Masker Looks Down On People Who Only Double Mask

Triple-Masker Looks Down On People Who Only Double Mask

Triple-Masker Looks Down On People Who Only Double MaskU.S.—Health experts are now recommending that people double mask -- place a second mask over the first mask -- to better protect themselves from the virus, or maybe to protect others from themselves possibly having the virus (it’s still kind of unclear). Many are denouncing this recommendation, especially triple-maskers, who find it wholly inadequate.“I guess I’d only double mask if I didn’t really care about not killing grandma,” said the extremely muffled Mark Carlson, who was wearing three masks at once. “But I have three masks on...

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11h ago
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Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!'

Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!'

Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!'WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden doubled-down on his Catholic faith and his pro-abortion policies Sunday. “Let me be clear,” he said to reporters as he exited Trinity Catholic Church in Georgetown. “If you’re not okay with women aborting their babies, then you ain’t Catholic, Jack!”The comments drew swift criticism from a number of Catholic groups who pointed out that the church has historically taken a strong pro-life stance. But Biden says those views are stale and outdated.“Look, the main reason I’m...

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11h ago
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Scholars Now Believe Jesus Spent Time With Prostitutes, Tax Collectors Just To Avoid Hanging Out With Loathsome Journalists

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Spent Time With Prostitutes, Tax Collectors Just To Avoid Hanging Out With Loathsome Journalists

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Spent Time With Prostitutes, Tax Collectors Just To Avoid Hanging Out With Loathsome JournalistsISRAEL—Scholars studying ancient texts from the first century now believe Jesus actually spent time with prostitutes and tax collectors just to avoid hanging out with despicable journalists.Up until now, Christians have always thought that Jesus hung out with everyone, even those in the dregs of society. But even the loving, compassionate Savior had standards and would not spend any time with news writers."Ugh, the journalists are over there -- don't let 'em see me," He...

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19h ago
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Miracle: CNN COVID Death Counter Begins Counting Backward

Miracle: CNN COVID Death Counter Begins Counting Backward

Miracle: CNN COVID Death Counter Begins Counting BackwardU.S.—In what can only be described as a huge win for the Biden Administration's COVID plan, CNN revealed this week that the total number of COVID deaths is actually going down."This is really, uh, quite something," said CNN anchor John King as the infamous COVID death counter rapidly ticked downward behind him. "Only a few days into the Biden presidency, and total deaths are already decreasing! We're not sure if it's Biden's brilliant mask mandate or his flawless vaccine delivery execution, but people across the country seem to be...

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27d ago
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Man Desperately Searches Bible For That Verse Where Jesus Commands Christians To Be On The Right Side Of History

Man Desperately Searches Bible For That Verse Where Jesus Commands Christians To Be On The Right Side Of History

Man Desperately Searches Bible For That Verse Where Jesus Commands Christians To Be On The Right Side Of HistoryCHICAGO, IL—Local churchgoer Casey Martino is frantically thumbing through his Bible, desperately looking for that one verse where Jesus commands his followers to "always be on the right side of history." "Listen-- I could have sworn it was in here," said Martino after a frustrating afternoon of searching. "Something like: 'Thou shalt always be really polite to your neighbor, and always be on the right side of history.' That's a paraphrase, I think, but it went something like...

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35d ago
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Chinese Spy Assigned To Date Eric Swalwell Begs To Be Sent To Labor Camp Instead

Chinese Spy Assigned To Date Eric Swalwell Begs To Be Sent To Labor Camp Instead

Chinese Spy Assigned To Date Eric Swalwell Begs To Be Sent To Labor Camp InsteadBEIJING—Sources within the Chinese government confirmed today that the spy who was assigned to date Rep. Eric Swalwell and get information from him abruptly returned to China and begged to be sent to a labor camp instead."Please -- don't make me go back!" she begged after returning to China in 2015. "I'll do anything! I'll break rocks! I'll build a railroad! I'll -- I'll even make shoes for Nike! Just don't make me go back and date that man again!""It's cruel and unusual punishment. Which, I guess, is allowed...

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3d ago
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Hope For Humanity: Here Are 7 Things The Left And Right Still Agree On

Hope For Humanity: Here Are 7 Things The Left And Right Still Agree On

Hope For Humanity: Here Are 7 Things The Left And Right Still Agree OnYou may think America is a deeply divided nation, but you're wrong! Americans actually have a ton in common, and we're gonna prove it to you. Let's take a moment together to reflect on what unites us as people. Let the healing and unity begin.Here are 7 things Americans still agree on: All lives matter - Oh shoot-- we didn't mean that. We are so sorry. Let's try again. Let's see...The Pope is Catholic - no wait...we're actually not sure about this one either.Boys shouldn't be allowed in girls restrooms - We've just been...

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3d ago
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Devil Requests Stimulus Funds To Widen The Road To Hell To Meet Increased Demand

Devil Requests Stimulus Funds To Widen The Road To Hell To Meet Increased Demand

Devil Requests Stimulus Funds To Widen The Road To Hell To Meet Increased DemandHELL—Satan, ruler of demons, upon hearing that stimulus funds are being given out freely to struggling individuals, businesses, and foreign countries, has sought to acquire some stimulus for himself. He realized that with these funds he could finally get around to expanding the path to Hell, and meet the rising demand.“Does the bill truly say that stimulus funds cannot go towards Hell?” hissed the Devil. “I don’t see why that money can’t go to Hell! Besides this road isn’t going to pave itself.”“We’ve seen quite...

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3d ago
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Biden Tells Freezing Troops Sleeping In Garages To Be Patient Until He Can Get Them Shipped To Iraq

Biden Tells Freezing Troops Sleeping In Garages To Be Patient Until He Can Get Them Shipped To Iraq

Biden Tells Freezing Troops Sleeping In Garages To Be Patient Until He Can Get Them Shipped To IraqWASHINGTON, D.C.—After national outrage in response to tens of thousands of National Guard troops being sent outside to sleep in freezing parking garages, Biden issued a statement begging the troops to be patient while he writes up the order to send them to much warmer climates in Iraq and Syria."Listen, ya bunch of dumb pony soldiers," said Biden to a line of 3,000 soldiers waiting to use the bathroom. "I know you people are much better use to me when you're fighting some war in the Middle...

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3d ago
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Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 Years

Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 Years

Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 YearsAUSTIN, TX—In his most recent round of new COVID guidelines for Texas, Governor Greg Abbott has announced any new arrivals from California must quarantine for 30 years before they will be allowed to assimilate into the general population. "Hey, Y'all-- California has a ton of COVID problems, but they have a ton of other nasty issues as well," said Governor Abbott in a press conference. "Lord knows what kind of filthy debauchery those communists engage in on a daily basis. They could bring back any number of icky...

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3d ago
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Biden Suspected Of Wearing Earpiece After He Screams 'THERE IS A MAN SPEAKING INSIDE MY HEAD!!'

Biden Suspected Of Wearing Earpiece After He Screams 'THERE IS A MAN SPEAKING INSIDE MY HEAD!!'

Biden Suspected Of Wearing Earpiece After He Screams 'THERE IS A MAN SPEAKING INSIDE MY HEAD!!'WASHINGTON, D.C.—There have been rumors that, due to Biden’s advanced age, he wears an earpiece where staff can constantly feed him instructions for his daily activities and for what to say. While there has been no firm evidence of this, speculation about it has only increased -- especially with a recent incident in which Biden started clutching his ear and screaming, “THERE IS A MAN SPEAKING INSIDE MY HEAD!!!”This happened when Biden briefly went out of the White House to talk to the press and...

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Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 Years

Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 Years

Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 YearsAUSTIN, TX—In his most recent round of new COVID guidelines for Texas, Governor Greg Abbott has announced any new arrivals from California must quarantine for 30 years before they will be allowed to assimilate into the general population. "Hey, Y'all-- California has a ton of COVID problems, but they have a ton of other nasty issues as well," said Governor Abbott in a press conference. "Lord knows what kind of filthy debauchery those communists engage in on a daily basis. They could bring back any number of icky...

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Biden Grants Citizenship To Everyone Who Voted For Him

Biden Grants Citizenship To Everyone Who Voted For Him

Biden Grants Citizenship To Everyone Who Voted For HimWASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden signed an executive order this morning granting citizenship to everyone who voted for him.Some ten million people are expected to receive citizenship through the executive order, making it the largest instance of amnesty in our nation's history."If you voted for me, darn it, man, you deserve to be an American," Biden said at a press conference this morning. "Thank you for your service, and welcome to America. You're all Americans in my book -- clean, articulate ones.""Now let's build back better!" Biden pulled...

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Space Force Carries Out Coup, Trump Declared President Of Space

Space Force Carries Out Coup, Trump Declared President Of Space

Space Force Carries Out Coup, Trump Declared President Of SpaceEARTH ORBIT—While it seemed the inauguration of the 46th president went off peacefully, the worst fears of the country manifested as Donald Trump staged a military coup to retain power. Most didn’t notice, though, because he did it using the only branch of the military still loyal to him: Space Force.In a stunning surgical strike led by Space Force Commander Zap Rowsdower, Space Force took over all of space, defeating any resistance there -- of which there was none. There was one Russian on the International Space Station who...

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4d ago
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Biden Outlines Plan For Final 100 Days In Office

Biden Outlines Plan For Final 100 Days In Office

Biden Outlines Plan For Final 100 Days In OfficeWASHINGTON, D.C.—In prepared remarks given to a room full of giddy reporters, President Biden laid out his plans for his final 100 days in office."Listen, folks, we're one day in and it's been a wild ride. As my term as President comes to a close, it's time for me to lay out my ambitious agenda for my final 100 days."Sources say Biden will have to move quickly since it's entirely possible his presidency could end well before the anticipated 100 days. The aspirational agenda includes ending all racism, outlawing inequality, saving Earth,...

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Biden To Reestablish Diplomatic Relations With ISIS

Biden To Reestablish Diplomatic Relations With ISIS

Biden To Reestablish Diplomatic Relations With ISISWASHINGTON, D.C.—After a quiet inauguration ceremony Wednesday, Biden has announced his first major foreign policy change: reestablishing diplomatic relations with the Islamic caliphate known as ISIS."Listen, folks, ISIS aren't bad folks," said Biden to the bronze bust of Cesar Chavez behind his desk. "Just a little misunderstood is all! J.V. team! We're gonna make it better. Maybe sit down and talk a little. Like old friends! This is what it takes, folks!"Biden then signed an executive order announcing new peace talks with the leaders of...

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4d ago
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CNN Praises Biden For Causing Sun To Rise In East This Morning

CNN Praises Biden For Causing Sun To Rise In East This Morning

CNN Praises Biden For Causing Sun To Rise In East This MorningU.S.—CNN and other media outlets praised President Biden for causing the sun to rise this morning. "The sun rose again this morning after a long absence," said CNN anchor Don Lemon. "As the sunlight peaked over the mountains, bathing the earth in its warm, shimmering light, like the loving embrace of America's new president, I felt a tingling sense of bubbling peace spring up in my soul and shoot out my fingertips as if I were an empty vessel being filled with some kind of intergalactic energy source used to power alien...

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White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms To Press Briefing

White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms To Press Briefing

White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms To Press BriefingWASHINGTON, D.C.—With a new administration taking over, the White House press corps marked the special occasion by wearing their newly issued uniforms: blue and white cheerleading outfits emblazoned with Biden's name. "Please don't take this to mean we will not be fair and objective journalists during the Biden administration," said Jim Acosta of CNN as he adjusted his skirt. "We will continue to go after the president like we always have-- wait... Joe Biden is coming! EEEEEEEEEEE!" Acosta then began to jump up and...

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White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms To Press Briefing

White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms To Press Briefing

White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms To Press BriefingWASHINGTON, D.C.—With a new administration taking over, the White House press corps marked the special occasion by wearing their newly issued uniforms: blue and white cheerleading outfits emblazoned with Biden's name. "Please don't take this to mean we will not be fair and objective journalists during the Biden administration," said Jim Acosta of CNN as he adjusted his skirt. "We will continue to go after the president like we always have-- wait... Joe Biden is coming! EEEEEEEEEEE!" Acosta then began to jump up and...

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Here Is A Terrifying List Of Biden's First Executive Orders As President

Here Is A Terrifying List Of Biden's First Executive Orders As President

Here Is A Terrifying List Of Biden's First Executive Orders As PresidentWe knew it was coming, but it still stings. From his very first minute in office, Biden wasted no time in undoing American greatness with a stroke of his pen. We still have 4 years left. God help us all. Here is a list of the executive orders Biden signed on day 1: Either way, it looks like we're in for a long 4 years. There are 86 comments on this article.You must or to view or post comments on this article.You can also follow us on , and .Fake news you can trust, delivered straight to your inbox.

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15 Ways To Cope When You Don't Like The President

15 Ways To Cope When You Don't Like The President

15 Ways To Cope When You Don't Like The PresidentIt can be tough to live in a country where you don't like the president. Luckily, our friends on the Left have shown us how to handle this situation with grace and class over the past four years. Here are 15 easy ways to cope when you don't like the president:1. Put on a neon vest and shriek at the sky.2. Accuse him of colluding with a foreign adversary with no evidence while sleeping with a Chinese spy.3. Impeach him at least 73 times.4. Riot in every major city, set fires, and loot for weeks on end for like 6 months going strong - but...

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5d ago
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Biden, Harris Rushed To Burn Ward After Touching Bible

Biden, Harris Rushed To Burn Ward After Touching Bible

Biden, Harris Rushed To Burn Ward After Touching BibleWASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have been rushed to a nearby burn treatment center after swearing in on the Bible this morning.Their hands immediately burst into flames after touching the holy Word of God. Theologians believe this is primarily due to their support for abortion, though other factors could be at play as well."Thoughts and pr--I mean, thoughts and positive vibes to the president and the vice president at this difficult time," said one CNN commentator. "We anticipated having some health...

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