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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Kansas City Chiefs | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Kansas City Chiefs | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.Your team: Kansas City Chiefs.Your 2019 record: 12-4. Super Bowl Champions. Came back from 10 or more points down in all three playoff games to win it all. Now that SOUNDS very impressive and heartwarming, but let’s note the teams those comebacks happened against:•A headless Texans outfit led by blithering shithead•A 9-7 Titans...

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Sep 17
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Green Bay Packers | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Green Bay Packers | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Green Bay Packers.This is the part where I disclose that I am a Vikings fan, which is convenient because this is Why Your Team Sucks, so I’m under no obligation at all to be fair or objective. Quite the contrary. I get to be as disgustingly biased as I please. YOU’RE ALL FAT. FAT AND LONELY. You Packers fans may as well walk...

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Sep 17
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Tennessee Titans | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Tennessee Titans | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.Your team: Tennessee Titans.Your 2019 record: 9-7. Even though they benched Marcus Mariota early, the Titans’ entire regular season had a real Mariota sheen to it. Going 9-7. Snagging a wild card slot essentially by default in a rotten conference. We’re talking about four months of unimposing competence. Primo AFC South shit.But...

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Sep 17
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: San Francisco 49ers | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: San Francisco 49ers | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: San Francisco 49ers.Your 2019 record: 13-3. NFC champions. Took a 10-point lead into the fourth quarter against Kansas City in the Super Bowl. In fact, the Niners held that lead for over half of that fourth quarter. AND THEN…Normally, the question “How do you not fucking cover Tyreek Hill?” answers itself. But this was...

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Sep 17
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Houston Texans | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Houston Texans | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the Houston Texans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far .Your team: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAYour 2019 record: I’ve been waiting for this one. I’m so excited to get to that playoff game that I can hardly stand it. But before I do, lemme tease my own hateboner by ticking off a few of the Texans’ earlier fuckups. The appetizer fuckups, as it were:Now those are fairly benign goofs for a Bill O’Brien led...

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Sep 16
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Seattle Seahawks | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Seattle Seahawks | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Seattle Seahawks.Your 2019 record: 12-4. LET’S SEE HOW IT ENDED!Oh, they were FORCED to punt after that, were they? God came down from the sky holding a Desert Eagle and said to the Seahawks, “My sons, you must sacrifice your only down left, so that whoever believes in me shall not perish but have eternal life.”So they fucking...

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Sep 16
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Baltimore Ravens | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Baltimore Ravens | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the Baltimore Ravens. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Baltimore Ravens.Some things never change. So heartwarming.Your 2019 record: 14-2. The Ravens thrashed the entire goddamn league. Not only did their QB win the MVP, but in doing so both he and the Ravens reset the standards for roster building, for offensive strategy, and for a canny brand of game management that focuses on...

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Sep 16
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Minnesota Vikings | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Minnesota Vikings | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Some people are fans of the Minnesota Vikings. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Minnesota Vikings. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Minnesota Vikings. Here is where, as always, I disclose that I am a Vikings fan. I wish I were anyone else. I wish I had been a Manson family victim.Your 2019 record: 10-6, with just enough highs to make the lows TOTAL FUCKING AGONY. The Vikings blew a game to the Chiefs in Kansas City, which sounds like respectable enough...

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Sep 16
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: New Orleans Saints | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: New Orleans Saints | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.Your team:GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO MY MAWMAW CAN BURY EMAILS LIKE NO ONE ELSE! SHE SHRED THEM EMAILS DOWN AND THEN PLAY THE TROMBONE OVER DEM ASHES HOOWEE!Your 2019 record: 13-3. Let’s see how it ended!Were the Saints victimized yet again by the refs failing to call pass interference at the end of a playoff game? Yes....

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Sep 15
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: New England Patriots | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: New England Patriots | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the New England Patriots. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New England Patriots. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far .Your team: New England Patriots.Your 2019 record: 12-4. You know I forget how their season ended. Let’s go to a video tutorial to refresh my memory!AGAIN![Layne Staley singing] YOU MADE A FOOL OF ME AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAINIt’s over. It’s finally...

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Sep 15
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Philadelphia Eagles | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Philadelphia Eagles | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Philadelphia Eagles.Your 2019 record: 9-7. GIMME THE DROP.God, and it was such a nice throw, too. And so was this one!Unreal. Look at those fucking alligator arms! It’s like the ball has tetanus!Remember last preseason when people (OK, me) were like HOLY SHIT THE EAGLES ARE LOADED FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS!...

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Sep 15
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Buffalo Bills | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Buffalo Bills | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Buffalo Bills. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Buffalo Bills. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so farYour team: BAFFALOW Bills.Your 2019 record: 10-6, and yet that still somehow wasn’t enough to win the East. I’m genuinely pissed on your behalf. The Bills hadn’t won a playoff game since 1995, but went to Houston in the Wild Card round and hung a 16-0 lead on the Texans that lasted all the way to the end of the third quarter....

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Sep 15
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Los Angeles Rams | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Los Angeles Rams | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Los Angeles Rams. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Los Angeles Rams. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Los Angeles Rams. It’s highly amusing the Rams were more relevant in St. Louis than they are in L.A.. That’s the exact opposite dynamic of what every other American who has made that move ever experienced.Your 2019 record: 9-7. Remember when the Rams’ offense got annihilated in the Super Bowl two years ago and...

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Sep 14
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Chicago Bears | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Chicago Bears | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Chicago Bears. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Chicago Bears. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: AND YOU GET A TIGHT END AND YOU GET A TIGHT END AND YOU GET A TIGHT ENDYour 2019 record: Gonna pull a GREGGGGGGGGGGG here and paste what I wrote about the Bears prior to last season:“Imagine having your window of opportunity burst open and then cruelly slam shut all in the course of just one season. It’s possible!...

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Sep 14
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Pittsburgh Steelers | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Pittsburgh Steelers | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Pittsburgh Steelers.Your 2019 record: 8-8. Who never beat a playoff team all season long? Who refused to deal Antonio Brown to New England, traded him to Oakland, and watched him end up in New England anyway? Who forced five takeaways against ? Who had their backup QB get his ass beat with his own helmet?...

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Sep 14
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The NFL Can Probably Get Rid Of The Preseason For Good | Defector

The NFL Can Probably Get Rid Of The Preseason For Good | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeWhen the pandemic forced the NFL to adjust its training camp schedule and eliminate the entire preseason, among coaches and pundits was that the decrease in prep time would lead to a crummy start to the regular season. New coaches wouldn’t get to go over every game situation; quarterbacks on new teams would struggle and be out of rhythm with their receivers; and younger players, including rookies, would have a tougher time with their new careers. Think of all the uneaten game tape. The horror! But in the first week of the...

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Sep 14
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Dallas Cowboys | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Dallas Cowboys | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Dallas Cowboys.Your 2019 record: 8-8. The Cowboys beat a grand total of two teams that ended the season with winning records, and those teams each went 9-7 and failed to make the playoffs. When the Cowboys DID play a real team, well…Tells you something that God Himself prefers the fucking PATRIOTS to the Cowboys....

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Sep 14
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Indianapolis Colts | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Indianapolis Colts | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Indianapolis Colts. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Indianapolis Colts. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Indianapolis Colts.Your 2019 record: 7-9. That’s a decent record when you remember that Andrew Luck gave up on football—and possibly life in general—right before the season started. The amusing thing about Luck’s retirement is that the Colts didn’t see it coming, despite the fact that Luck had 57 different...

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Sep 13
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Atlanta Falcons | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Atlanta Falcons | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Hear me out on this: 28-2. I think it can be done.You see? I put nothing past the Falcons, except every opposing pass rusher.Your 2019 record: 7-9. It’s no historic Super Bowl collapse but who wants to see Matt Bryant blow an extra point to lose a game? I know I would!“Good snap, good hold… AAANN~N~N~ND!” Put...

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Sep 13
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: New York Jets | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: New York Jets | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: New York Jets.Your 2019 record: 7-9. I was agog at that record when I saw it again over the summer. I was like THEY WON SEVEN GAMES? YEAH RIGHT AND I CAN MAKE FLAPJACKS USING ONLY MY DICK. Then I went back through the schedule game by game and, oh right, they started 1-7. Extremely clarifying. Of the six wins that...

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Sep 12
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Cleveland Browns | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Cleveland Browns | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Cleveland Browns. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cleveland Browns. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so farYour team: Cleveland Browns.God that fuckup is so pure. So very Browns.Your 2019 record: 6-10. Remember when Browns fans actually thought they had a chance going into last season? I do. They didn’t just think they had a chance, they thought the Browns would be a DYNASTY. The second that team traded for Odell and actual NFL...

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Sep 12
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Las Vegas Raiders | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Las Vegas Raiders | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Las Vegas Raiders. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Las Vegas Raiders. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Las Vegas Raiders. It finally happened. After 25 years in Oakland—the Raiders’ longest tenure in one place—they’re moving to Vegas for the kind of glitzy has-been residency that the city has been trying to will into extinction ever since Liberace died. Ah but Vegas’s addiction to overpriced nostalgia is...

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Sep 12
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Jacksonville Jaguars | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Jacksonville Jaguars | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Jacksonville Jaguars.Your 2019 record: 6-10, featuring a five-game losing streak where every margin of defeat was greater than 20 points. Somehow that wasn’t even the worst part of the season. No, the worst part was when WIDELY RESPECTED head coach Doug Marrone spent the entire buildup to the regular...

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Sep 12
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Los Angeles Chargers | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Los Angeles Chargers | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Los Angeles Chargers. I’m almost used to it! I only call them San Diego eight out of 10 times lately! Incredible progress. It’s practically second nature to me now.Your 2019 record: 5-11. Ten of those 11 losses were by 10 points or fewer. Even in purgatory, the Chargers REFUSE to be anything but the...

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Sep 11
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Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Carolina Panthers | Defector

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Carolina Panthers | Defector

You need to enable JavaScript to view this site.Sign InSubscribeSome people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far Your team: Carolina PanthersYour 2019 record: 5-11. The Kyle Allen season. Remember when Kyle Allen took over as starter in Week 3 because Cam Newton got hurt, won his first four games while tossing seven TDs and zero picks, and made every white Panthers fan in Charlotte ROCK HARD with his humble consistency? You do...

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Sep 11
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